Rethinking Business Communications Blog

It promised to be an elegant event on a Saturday evening in July.

I received some invitation cards in Lagos, and with great expectation, I slowly opened one envelope.

The two-page invitation card was printed on premium paper. The first page was adorned with the custom gold logo, above which was a crown with shimmery stones representing jewels. The logo’s initials were printed in gold foil. The stones in the crown caught the light when I tilted the card, and the gold foil lettering glittered. The second page, which listed the dress code and other details, was printed in gold ink over a cream background. The card looked regal. I peered at the address of the venue and nodded in satisfaction.

The London Marriott Hotel, 128 King Henry’s Road, NW3 3ST.

The invitation card exuded class, and the venue reinforced my belief that the event would be benefiting of the celebrant – a remarkable woman whom I’ve known my entire life.

I was a member of the family who was hosting the event. My elder sister, based in London, a gifted events planner (who had many other hidden talents), supervised the arrangements to ensure that all vendors performed their tasks seamlessly. Her attention to detail was also incredible. She ensured that at the entrance of the hall was a ‘meet and greet’ section where guests were first treated to wine and delicious canapés. After some chitchat, guests would ‘consult’ a list, printed in gold ink, which named the tables where they’d be seated. Tables were labelled according to specific locations the celebrant had resided over the years. This list was mounted conspicuously by the right side in front of the hall. Once guests were certain of their tables, they proceeded inside.

The hall was a vision in itself. The lighting, the gold-and-white-inspired crockery, the red large table cards bearing the gold logo, with the locations printed in gold ink, and the delicate floral centrepiece on each table – all added an air of sophistication. Moreover, the name cards, on which each guest’s name and title were printed in a stylish gold font, signalled intimacy. Then, towards the rear of the hall, on the left side, stood the cake table in its glory. It was elaborately decorated with lit mini red cake boxes, and with white, yellow, and red petals. Nearby, the saxophonist regaled the guests with soothing jazz tunes. About six feet away to the right, was the DJ, poised to play the celebrant’s entrance song.

The ambience was warm and inviting.

I arrived in London two days before the programme. I spent time settling in my family (including a demanding three-year-old son) and preparing for the event. Other family members had tasks to perform so we (the hosts) didn’t discuss the agenda for the ceremony until the day before. And it was then I was told what my role would be.

I was to give the toast to the celebrant.

And that involved speaking in front of family and friends. Also present would be guests, some of whom I didn’t know.

Instinctively, I panicked and my heart ‘dropped’ for a few seconds. And that was ironic, given what I do for a living. I coach professionals on public speaking; I deliver workshops and seminars on communication; I write articles; I lecture. I’m building my credibility as a sought-after communications trainer. Yet, there I was, doubting myself and almost succumbing to nerves. And the day hadn’t even arrived.

I quickly assessed my options.

Barely 24 hours to the black-tie event, I had no notes or points to structure a mini-speech. How would I prepare? I’d always stressed the need for preparing and practising everything before stepping out to speak in public. So I could tackle the task the same way I would prepare for a seminar or a workshop. I could write points, weave in relevant stories, and ensure the audience was engaged by asking questions. I could also feed off on their energy to create rapport.

Or, I could go with my ‘gut’ and strive for authenticity by drawing upon the emotional connection I have with the celebrant. I would thus speak from the heart, without notes or a memorised structure.

I chose the latter because of my relationship with the celebrant and the importance of the occasion. My toast was short but heartfelt and well-received.

Below are four tips to consider when you’re invited to give a toast to family and friends:

1) Dress the part to exude confidence

It was a black-tie ceremony. Since the family had mandated how guests should be dressed, it was imperative that I looked the part.

When you’re appropriately dressed for any public speaking event, not only would the audience’s first impression of you be positive, but you’d feel more confident. This confidence will be reflected in your gait and in the way you carry yourself. You’d also feel reassured that the audience will pay attention, and this affirmation will further boost your ability to deliver.

Always be well-dressed for events where you’re called upon to speak, especially for formal occasions.

2) Focus on the celebrant

 

My decision to discard my usual formula for preparing speeches in favour of spontaneity might be considered risky to some. Generally, I won’t advise people to ‘wing it’ by speaking off the cuff. It opens the doors to awkward pauses, fillers or the dreadful moment when you lose your tongue.

 

However, if you know the celebrant personally (and I mean having a strong emotional connection, or being related by blood), speaking from the heart is more powerful than any scripted or practised version. And it’s your relationship with the celebrant that would make your toast touching. Highlight the attributes the celebrant possesses that make him/her special to all he/she meets, and state clearly why that person should be esteemed.

If you don’t know the celebrant as well as you’d like, collect stories, or whatever data from those who know him/her best. Then present the information in a heartfelt manner. Avoid reeling out facts in a dull, robotic monotone.

You could choose the method you deem best to emphasise the qualities of the celebrant. Nonetheless, you must ensure that he/she is celebrated – not you.

No matter how accomplished or successful you are, your job as the toast giver is to focus on the celebrant.

Leave your ego at the table once you get up to speak.

3) Use your nonverbal cues to connect on an emotional level

In a sense, my toast was easy to give because the celebrant was a family member. So when I spoke about her special qualities, I had first-hand knowledge of them and my body language cues were reflected in my words.

It’s easy to speak passionately about someone you know well. Because you’d want people to understand why that individual is so special, the tone and warmth of your voice, the volume you use, and your gestures will increase the depth of your words.

Turning to face the person you’re toasting to is a good way to make the connection clearer. It will also help you speak more convincingly, thereby making the audience believe your words.

There’s a reason the best man/best friend is told to give a toast at a wedding, or one spouse is invited to speak at an event honouring the other. Emotion is convincing, and the appropriate body language reinforces the message.

Therefore, use your body language to persuade – a loud tone (be assertive and clear; don’t mumble), eye contact, gestures (if you can manage them without spilling the champagne) and even pauses are powerful cues to adopt.

Let your audience believe in your nonverbal communication what you’re stressing with your words.

4) Be aware of the speakers before you

Before my toast, five family members had given speeches.

Because each of the speakers had shared stories and covered lots of ground about the celebrant, I chose not to repeat the process. Instead, I started by agreeing with all anecdotes that were mentioned but highlighted two adjectives used by one of the speakers. I then added my own comments and invited members of the audience to raise their glasses to join me in the toast. I made a side comment that if some people were not allowed wine, they should fill the glasses with water, but toast they must. Some laughter and good cheer followed that statement.

Being ‘present’ in the moment is important if you’re invited to give a toast. You can draw upon comments or humour from an earlier time in the programme or from speakers before you. It’s also a good opportunity to revise your speech (if someone covers what you had wanted to say) and to avoid being repetitive.

If you’re the lone speaker, ensuring that you’re aware of the agenda for the event would mean you’re not flustered when your moment arrives.

Remember to shift your focus from what people might think/feel about you, to how best you can convey the attributes of the celebrant.

That’s what truly matters.

Conclusion

My toast lasted about two minutes. Nevertheless, I was satisfied that I was able to sing the praises of the celebrant in a manner that was convincing.

And I did this by not over-thinking the task.

So despite what I know that works in public speaking, based on my professional experience and best practices, I opted for spontaneity.

But here’s the interesting point about rules: certain rules can be broken in unique circumstances and would still yield great results. Just know when and how to break the rules of public speaking.

And now over to you:

When giving a toast to family and friends, what has worked for you?

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N.B: First image is courtesy of Luigi Diamanti via freedigitalphotos.net. Second image is courtesy of Stuart Miles, via freedigitalphotos.net. Third image is courtesy of Renjith Krishnan, via freedigitalphotos.net.